01/05 The Risk vs. Rewards in Human Relationships

Source
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2007/01/understanding-human-relationships/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/risk-vs-reward-in-human-relationships/

Article
Understanding the Risk vs. Rewards in Human Relationships
One of the most important relationship lessons I learned was this: The relationships we have with other people are projections of the relationships we have within ourselves. Our external relationships and our internal relationships are in fact the same relationships. They only seem different because we look at them through different lenses.
Let’s consider why this is true. Where do all your relationships exist? They exist in your thoughts. Your relationship with another person is whatever you imagine it to be. Whether you love someone or hate someone, you’re right. Now the other person may have a completely different relationship to you, but understand that your representation of what someone else thinks of you is also part of your thoughts. So your relationship with someone includes what you think of that person and what you believe s/he thinks of you. You can complicate it further by imagining what the other person thinks you think of him/her, but ultimately those internal representations are all you have.
Even if your relationships exist in some objective reality independent of your thoughts, you never have access to the objective viewpoint. You’re always viewing your relationships through the lens of your own consciousness. The closest you can get to being objective is to imagine being objective, but that is in no way the same thing as true objectivity. That’s because the act of observation requires a conscious observer, which is subjective by its very nature.
At first it might seem troublesome that you can never hope to gain a truly accurate, 100% objective understanding of your relationships. You can never escape the subjective lens of your own consciousness. That would be like trying to find the color blue with a red lens permanently taped over your eyes. That doesn’t stop people from trying, but such attempts are in vain. If you fall into the trap of trying to think of your relationships as objective entities that are external to you, you’ll be using an inescapably inaccurate model of reality. Consequently, the likely outcome is that you’ll frustrate yourself to no end when it comes to human relationships. You’ll make relating to other people a lot harder than it needs to be. Intuitively you may know something is off in your approach to relationships, but you’ll remain stuck until you realize that every relationship you have with another person is really a relationship that exists entirely within yourself.
Fortunately, once you embrace the subjective nature of relationships, you’ll have a much easier time relating to people. It’s easier to get where you want to go when you have an accurate map. The subjective view of relationships implies that you can change or improve your relationships with others by working on the internal relationships within yourself. Furthermore, you can improve your internal relationships, such as your self-esteem, by working on your relationships with others. Ultimately it’s all the same thing.

In the previous post, we identified some fears that hold people back from taking more social risks, including the fear of others forming a negative opinion of you and the fear of hurting others through social interaction with them, fears that would be eliminated if you were dealing only with computer-generated characters in a simulation instead of real-life human beings.
I think these points are valid to a degree. You would incur less social risk with a simulation as opposed to real humans.
But consider an alternative viewpoint…
You cannot do much to help simulated characters grow or contribute to their lives in a meaningful way (at least not with today’s simulations). But you can have this kind of positive impact with real human beings.
What would happen if instead of focusing on the fear of negative consequences from social interaction, you focused on the anticipation of positive consequences, such as forming new friendships, helping people grow, making people laugh, falling in love, etc.?
Would you not then be even more eager to socially interact with real human beings and less so with simulated ones? Would you rather hear “I love you” from a simulation or a real human being?
If it’s not real, then you take less social risk, but you also gain less reward. Dealing with real humans increases both the potential risk and the potential reward. Your actual behavior will be largely determined by which side you predominantly focus on — minimizing the downside or maximizing the upside.
When it comes to real-life human relationships, what’s the biggest risk in the long run? Is it the risk of committing social mistakes that may lead to embarrassment and hurt feelings? Or is it the risk of holding back and doing nothing, missing out on some potentially rewarding long-term relationships?
As I see it, a bit of occasional embarrassment is a small price to pay for the rich rewards of meaningful human relationships. Our imaginations can transform these fears into fire-breathing dragons, but in reality these fears are little more than puny imps guarding a massive treasure, easily defeated once you finally decide to face them down.
When I get involved in new social interactions, whether meeting new people, doing public speaking, or even blogging on topics such as these, I always run the risk of making a fool of myself. But I also have to consider the potential rewards of changing people’s lives, forming new friendships, and spreading ideas… not to mention all the long-term ripples that flow forth from those effects. And to me that possibility makes the risk very much worth taking because the potential upside is so much greater than the potential downside. As a practical matter, the worst realistic downside is a bruised ego or a damaged reputation. I’m OK with that though. Making a fool of myself now and then helps me not to take myself too seriously and to laugh at my own foibles. But I’m not OK knowing that someone I could have helped is living a life far below their potential because I sat on the sidelines and did nothing. To me that is too big a risk.
So recognize the (perhaps even greater) risk you take by avoiding social interaction — the laughs you never shared, the people you never helped, the potential spouse you sentenced to solitude…. That’s quite a price to pay simply to avoid a little (usually harmless) embarrassment.

Discussion Questions
Session One
1. Where do you think your relationships exist? Do you believe it’s true that everything exists in our minds?
2. Have you ever read the book The Missing Piece? Do you think that we are already whole as an individual so friends, lovers, and family are never really part of us?
3. Share your experiences where different perspectives on a relationship have caused problems.
Session Two
1. Are you a risk taker in terms of social relationships? Are you the kind of person that’s willing to put yourself out there neglecting possible embarrassment?
2. Everyone protects themselves in some way, whether it is being defensive, acting mean, pretending to be easygoing, not caring, or just unwilling to show their emotions. Talk about ways that people shield themselves from intimacy.
3. Share with us some of the risk you’ve taken and how it turned out. Are you willing to take more risks in the future? What do you think the rewards would be?